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How Does Pregnancy Happen?


In order for pregnancy to happen, sperm needs to hook up with an egg. This used to be called conception, but then science had to change the definition so that birth control pills and emergency “contraception” could be marketed as contraceptives rather than abortifacients. Some women, apparently, are willing to prevent pregnancy but are queasy about ending a pregnancybecause that’s abortion—not that it matters to us. Thankfully, science now says that pregnancy doesn’t start until implantation—giving these pills more time to do their dirty work. Planned Parenthood further alleviates client concerns by telling them it takes 2-3 weeks after sex for pregnancy to happen. In time, they’ll be able to push that number back even further. 


How do people get pregnant?


In the olden days, only women could get pregnant—because men don’t have a uterus, or cervix, or vagina, or ovaries, or fallopian tubes, or breasts, etc. Plus, they don’t produce eggs. Since this is all horribly unfair and sexist, science made it possible for men to get pregnant also—by simply redefining some key terms. Now a woman who calls herself a man is 100% a man, and vice versa. So men can get pregnant too. Cool, right? Here’s how it works.


When a man or woman with a penis has sex with a man or woman with a vagina, the man or woman’s sperm has the opportunity to unite with the man or woman’s egg. If this happens, and the man or woman’s egg is fertilized, a whole new being comes into existence. Technically, it’s a human being, but it’s so small that it’s more like a bug or something. We like to call it a ball of cells because it sounds so impersonal. Once the ball of cells implants in the lining of the man or woman’s uterus, the man or woman will stop having his or her or their period. Unfortunately, sex and pregnancy only work with real penises and vaginas, the kind people are born with. The fake surgical ones are just to look at. They don’t serve any functional purpose, but maybe in a million years or so they will. Evolution takes time. For now, the only men who can get pregnant are the men who are actually women. 


Once the mother or father is pregnant, he or she or they can contact their local abortion clinic to schedule the termination of his/her/their child. This isn’t a problem so long as you don’t live in a backwards religious state that still believes in God and doesn’t permit baby killing. But even if you do, your employer might pay for you to fly to a more enlightened state where there are plenty of abortionists waiting to perform the execution. It’s far more profitable, after all, for employers to pay to kill your baby than to pay you to take time off work to have and raise a baby. 


The duration of pregnancy varies wildly. It all depends on how long you wait to have an abortion. You have to let your baby grow for a little while before you kill it, but it’s generally better to not wait too long. Bigger babies are harder to kill—and the longer you wait, the riskier it becomes. This is because there’s a chance your baby will be born before the abortionist can kill it. And believe it or not, there are laws in some states which make it an actual crime to kill a baby that is born alive.


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