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A Step-by-Step Guide to Abortion

Abortion is a purportedly safe and effective way to kill babies before they're born. Here are the 5 steps to getting an abortion.

Step 1: Buy birth control from your local abortion clinic

  • Most birthing people who have an abortion were using birth control when they got pregnant. Crazy, right?! Actually, not if you think about it. Because birth control only reduces the likelihood of pregnancy. It doesn’t prohibit pregnancy. That’s what abortion is for. Birth control does, however, make it seem like you won’t get pregnant, which is an important first step.

Step 2: Have sex with someone you’re not married to

  • Generally speaking, married birthing people don’t get abortions—which is a problem the abortion industry has been unable to crack. Luckily, fewer and fewer people are getting married. Sex apart from marriage is always best, because that’s what leads to almost all abortions. Here’s a good rule of thumb. Only have sex with someone you’re not committed to and don’t want to have a baby with.

Step 3: Experience a “breakthrough” pregnancy

  • 12% of birth control users get pregnant within a year, and if you're prone to forget things or make decisions in a drunken stupor, you can push that number significantly higher. Chances are you'll be pregnant sooner than you think. 

Step 4: Circumvent state efforts to protect your baby

  • If you live in a state that forbids baby killing, travel to one that doesn’t. Your employer might even pay for it—because they’d way rather you keep working and making them money than taking a maternity leave. If you’re under 18, some states require your parents to be notified or even give permission. This is bad because parents are the worst. And so are children—which is why you need an abortion. No worries, though. Your local abortion clinic can help you find a way around meddlesome guardians. Abortion clinics tend to know all the right judges and how to grease all the right wheels.

Step 5: Have an abortion

  • Abortion clinics offer two ways to kill your baby. They can use instruments to dissect and extract your baby at their clinic, or they can give you pills to starve your baby and force its expulsion. It just depends on whether you’d rather experience the pain and agony of abortion in a clinical setting or all alone on your bathroom floor.

Step 6: Repeat

  • Once you have that first abortion, you become way more likely to have a second abortion. You’ve already gotten over the moral hump of being willing to kill a baby and demonstrated the ability to care more about your own well being than the life of your child. This is really healthy; we call it self-care. Abortion clinics across the nation celebrate your bravery and look forward to seeing you again soon. Abortion is an empowering experience for you and a profitable experience for the abortion industry. Having lots of abortions is good for everyone.

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